And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, we present the latest episode in our thrilling advertising campaign, written for cinema, television and radio. It’s appearing exclusively on this website for reasons of budget. Sadly, we don’t have enough pictures of Queen Victoria to pay for cinema, television or radio.
Eccles: Hallo dere! Thank you for landing on our GSPS website on the Wibbly Wobbly Web! ‘ere Bottle I think I could get a job as an announcer.
Bluebottle: Wait a minute my good man. You haven’t heard the dulcet tones of me, John “Snagge” Bluebottle… “Good evening viewer. This is the BBC Light programme and this is Jim Bluebottle wearing it”
Eccles: But it doesn’t suit you!
Neddie: I think I should have a turn and welcoming potential new members to this illustrious Goon Show Preservation Society website… “My lords ladies and gentlepong…. In the blue corner… The Goon Show Preservation Society… and in the red corner… your bank account.” There… I rest my case.
Grytpype: You can’t rest your case there!
Neddie: And why not?
Grytpype: Because it comes up at the assizes next Thursday!… Seagoon vs Mrs Ethel Quotts
Neddie: It’s all lies! It was two other people called Tom! How can I clear my name?
Grytpype: Just hold this stick of dynamite and follow the bouncing ball on Moriarty’s increasingly balding head
Neddie: I must join the Goon Show Preservation Society.
Grytpype: There… That didn’t hurt did it?
Neddie: No. And what value for money, at quids twelve and fifty crisp new pence… It says on this stick of dynamite you just handed me.
Bluebottle: Can I be the one that holds the dynamite my captain?
Neddie: Of course little spotty Herbert…There you are.
FX: Sound of boots accelerating at high speed
Neddie: (distant) The pleasure is all mi…
FX: Huge explosion
Blubottle: You rotten swine. You deaded me!
Wal: At this juncture, I must point out that this was all in a good cause and no idiots were harmed in the making of this commercial
Neddie: Ah! Well that’s alright then
Bluebottle: ‘ ere what about me. I’ve just had my trousers turned inside out.
Neddie: But you’re not an idiot, are you?
Bluebottle: No
Neddie: Well, that’s all right then! Exits left!
with thanks to Mark Cousins
Click here for details of Goon Show preservation Society membership
The Goon Show Preservation Society 