There isn’t much in the way of continuity in the Goon Show. Just as Neddie Seagoon is a different Neddie Seagoon in each episode, all the other major characters are regularly given stories which might contradict everything we knew about them from the past.
Here’s a run down of the most regular characters.
Neddie Seagoon
Played as an exaggerated version of Harry Secombe’s own cheerful personality, Neddie is a gullible idiot, abroad in a world where Bloodnok and Grytpype-Thynne will rob and con him at every opportunity. Placed in a different situation every week, he’s the central character around which the plots revolve.
SEAGOON: Welcome to the manor, dear friends. It’s only a luxury 50 million pound villa, but it’s home to me. What’s mine is yours! Let’s be jolly friends forever!
GRYTPYPE: Is your name Charlie?
SEAGOON: No. Why?
GRYTPYPE: Well, you look like one.
Eccles
(Milligan) Probably the first character people think about when you mention the Goons, the voice of Mad Dan Eccles was in Spike’s repertoire before the Goons were formed. He’s an amiable simpleton with no cares in the world, perhaps he’s who Spike would have liked to be. On occasion, he’ll find himself being a Field Marshall, or Chancellor of the Exchequer, but not for long. His lack of intelligence is a running joke throughout the show, and it’s a joke he happily takes part in.
Also known as Mr T.F. Eccles (TF…? The Famous.)
ECCLES: (SINGS) I talk to the trees… dat’s why dey put me away…
SEAGOON: The singer was a tall ragged idiot.
ECCLES: (SINGS)…ragged idiot…
Eccles’ friend is
Bluebottle
(Sellers) Developed from the ‘Ernie Sputmuscle’ character of the early series, the legend is that Bluebottle’s voice was inspired by Ruxton Hayward, a scout leader who Bentine and Sellers met. He often appears as a young schoolboy or a boy scout or soldier, but this doesn’t mean he can’t hold down a responsible job with an insurance company. He never loses his high-pitched voice or childish qualities though.
Bluebottle often ‘breaks the fourth wall’, calling for his applause as he enters or telling schoolfriends that he’s on the radio. He’ll read stage directions out loud, he’ll even celebrate not being ‘deaded’ if he gets to the end of a show in one piece.
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten swine, you, Eccles! While I was laughing you dropped a stick of dynamite down my trousies! Oh, I’m expos-ed. Aiiigh! Moves left, places scout hat over shattered area, continues with the play.
Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister
Henry and Minnie are a slow-witted, elderly couple whose relationship varies from episode to episode. They’ve never been married, but are usually found co-habiting. Often, there are extended scenes where they can display their senility and have spectacular arguments.
Henry Albert Sebastopol Queen Victoria Crun (Sellers) gets cast as an inventor or a craftsman (you can’t get the wood, you know) or something completely unsuitable, such as head of MI5.
His love interest is Miss Minerva ‘Minnie’ Bannister (Milligan), who still has enough of a twinkle in her eye to play a mean saxophone. She apparently had a past in India, where she was the regimental darling and had a fling with Bloodnok. In one episode, he laments that Minnie was stolen from him by Henry Crun and his display of sensual Caucasian knee dancing.
FX: SERIES OF BREAKING WINDOWS WITH MIN & CRUN ARGUING, PROGRESSES TO STAMPEDING RABBLE, DISTANT BUGLE CHARGE, DIVE BOMBER, MACHINE GUN, EXPLOSION, FALLING GLASS AND RUBBLE, YELLS FROM MIN.
CRUN: Min, let’s not start a quarrel.
MINNIE: I’m not quarrelling, Henry buddy, I’m not quarrelling.
CRUN: Do you mean that, Min?
MINNIE: Yes, I love you, Henry buddy.
CRUN: Well, if you love me, put that piano down.
Major Dennis Bloodnok
Bloodnok (Sellers) is an archetypal scoundrel and cad who has retired (or more probably, been cashiered) from the Indian Army. He can be found all over the world, waiting for a victim like Neddie to arrive. More than that, he’s a womaniser, a coward and a thief, and no one’s wallet is safe in his company.
His appearances are introduced by his own theme music, often followed by bubbling noises and explosions illustrating his gastric distress.
BLOODNOK: Let us take the Regimental Oath. Are we ready? Open your wallets and say after me… “Help Yourself”.
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne and Count Moriarty
These two almost always work together and are generally the scheming villains of the piece. In the later series they become impoverished. From once spending their ill-gotten gains in luxury in Paris or on the Riviera, they’re reduced to living in dustbins, sharing underpants and eating fish bones.
Grytpype-Thynne (Sellers) has a suave, educated voice, based on the actor George Sanders. Indeed, in the early episodes the character was called Sanders. He has occasionally been respectable, playing, for example, a police inspector or a civil servant, but will always be remembered as a con man.
Moriarty (Milligan) is somewhat less sophisticated. He’s described as a French scrag and is generally Grytpype-Thynne’s lackey. Sometimes he’s barely intelligible, but check out 6/26 Scradje for an amazing vocal performance in his voice. He has the shortest catchphrase known to man – “ow”.
GRYTPYPE: Ah, yes, Moriarty. When Grytpype-Thynne invites someone to dine, they dine in the style to which they’re accustomed. Here, have another fillet of fishbone.
MORIARTY: But Grytpype, this life of luxury in this dustbin, it’s too good to be true! What are you after? What do you want from me?
GRYTPYPE: We’ve never had it so good, have we?
MORIARTY: Never had it so good.
Captain Osric Pureheart
A mad scientist who was Michael Bentine’s main character during the first two series.
MILLIGAN: Now tell me, captain, is it true that you built the Suez Canal?
PUREHEART: Oh, yes, Mr. Milligan, yes, oh, yes. I built it. It took me a long, long time, though. First I had to get some permissions from Cleopatra.
MILLIGAN: But Cleopatra’s been dead for 2000 years.
PUREHEART: I told you, it took me a long, long time.
Ray Ellington
Among the many part-time roles filled by Ellington were tribal chiefs of various Asian/African/American types, including the Mad Mullah, Son of Mullah, Chief Ellinga and Bloodnok’s mortal enemy the Red Bladder.
RED BLADDER: Bloodnok, come out from under that bed.
BLOODNOK: Don’t hit me then, don’t hit me. Here, have my OBE.
RED BLADDER: Listen, you have in your possession here, three hundred and ninety-nine records of battles in which the British pigs beat my soldiers. Hand ’em over, cor blimey.
BLOODNOK: And betray my secret trust? What do you take me for?
RED BLADDER: Rogue, liar, and a coward.
Wallace Greenslade
When Wal’ took the job of announcer he made it a role of his own. He regularly filled in with minor parts and got to play up to his fan club, the Greensladers. He had the starring role, playing himself, in 6/14 The Greenslade Story.
I, Wallace Greenslade, would like to take this opportunity of thanking the thousands of Wallace Greenslade Fan Clubs for their letters. Keep smiling, Greensladers, and keep those cheques rolling in to old Wallace. I’ll be with you again next week so… TWO! FOUR! SIX! EIGHT! WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? GREENSLADE!
Willium ‘Mate’ Cobblers
(Sellers) A regularly appearing cockney who addresses everyone as mate.
WILLIUM: Well, I was, er, tied up, Inspector, an’… oh… then they gagged me with this. They got it from 10 Downing Street.
SEAGOON: Ah. A hand towel.
WILLIUM: Yes, they stuffed it in me mouth.
SEAGOON: I see. These initials in the corner must mean ‘Winston Churchill’.
WILLIUM: I ‘ope so.
Fred Bogg
(Secombe) A cockney idiot.
FRED BOGG: Yes, my name is Fred Bogg. I was an office clerk, but I never got promotion because I was always so tired and listless during the day. Finally, I decided to see a doctor…
DOCTOR:…and you say that you’re tired and listless during the day. Do you ever suffer from insomnia?
FRED BOGG: Oh, no, it’s just that I cannot sleep.
DOCTOR: What you need is Poofermilk.
FRED BOGG: So every night I prepared a steaming hot cup of Poofermilk. There was only one trouble. I couldn’t drink the filthy stuff.
Little Jim
(Milligan) From series 7 onwards, this high voiced lad was brought in to utter the catchphrase “He’s fallen in the water” at every opportunity.
Jim Spriggs
(Milligan) A character with a high voice who repeats things in an even higher voice and calls everyone Jeeem.
SPRIGGS: Halt, halt! Who goes there? Who… who goes there?
SEAGOON: Escaped English slaves!
SPRIGGS: Advance and be recognised! (SINGS) Recogniiiised!
SEAGOON: I am Caracticus Seagoon. I come from Wales.
SPRIGGS: I can see you don’t come from sardines, Jim.
Cyril, Lew, Ernie Cash
(Sellers) Jewish-accented voices used to fill various roles.
ROMMEL: Oberleutnant?
OBERLEUTNANT LEW: Ja, mein hairy? My life, what am I doing in this army? I don’t know.
Justin Eidelburger, Yakamoto, Fred Fu Manchu
Stock baddies, representing the foreign menace. How did Eidelburger get past the BBC censors?
YAKAMOTO: Honourable doctor has completed another ghastly experiment.
EIDELBURGER: Ja, Yakamoto, only a few more now.
YAKAMOTO: Only one drawback – we have run out of honourable victims.
EIDELBURGER: You didn’t order another dozen as I told you?
YAKAMOTO: Ah, no. Today, early closing.
Adolphus Spriggs, Webster Smogpule
(Milligan) Singers with annoying nasal voices who are usually stopped violently before they can finish their songs. These were send-ups of Webster Booth, one of the favourite artists of the day.
GREENSLADE: And now Mr. Webster Smogpule will sing that lovely Mongolian saxophone solo for cor anglais and cor blimey, ‘I Lost my teeth in a Monastery Garden’ by Hurlston.
PIANO INTRODUCTION
SMOGPULE: (SINGS) Oh, let me like a soldier fall Upon the field of battle…
FX: PISTOL SHOT.
GREENSLADE: We would like to announce that this was Smogpule’s farewell appearance.
Max Geldray
The musician would, on rare occasions, make a speaking appearance and inevitably be mocked for a lack of acting ability.
GELDRAY: Silence! You are in the presence of a great man. I am Mr. Max “Conks” Geldray, the world’s greatest Dutch detective.
SEAGOON: The world’s worst actor!
Banerjee & Lalkaka, Singhiz Thingz
Indian characters who usually appear in some form of servile role and often jabber away in barely intelligible accents. They’re often cut out of modern-day edits of shows.
Throat
(Milligan) A rough, very deep voice produced as a sort of controlled belch. Often cast as Miss Throat.
Flowerdew
(Sellers) A camp character who makes an occasional appearance
Captain Hugh Jampton
A name used to get a bit of rude rhyming slang past the BBC censors.
The Goon Show Preservation Society 