Starring Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers and Spike Milligan
Announcer: Wallace Greenslade
Music by Max Geldray and The Ray Ellington Quartet
The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott
Script: Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
Producer: Peter Eton
Recorded: Sunday 16 January 1955
First Broadcast : Tuesday 18 January 1955 on the BBC Home Service
Neddie Seagoon, British Ambassador to China, is on the Shanghai waterfront on Christmas night when he is engaged in conversation by Colonel Grytpype-Thynne and Count Moriarty. Adolphus Spriggs, a wandering singer, tries to interrupt their conversation with his singing, but Moriarty shoots him. Grytpype and Moriarty inform Seagoon that the fiendish Chinese leader, General Kash-Mai-Chek, is willing to pay 50,000,000 yen to anyone who can smuggle him a rosewood English upright piano with brass candle-holders. Seagoon, being in need of money, agrees to do the job. To locate the piano he must go to the Tea-house of the August Goon, knock 6000 times, and ask for Ah Pong. He goes to the tea-house and knocks on the door (one of the most brilliant Goon Show sound effects), only to discover that he’s got the wrong address—the tea-house is next door (“Curse! It’s always next door in China”). He knocks again (repeat of sound effect) and is led to Major Bloodnok. Bloodnok takes him by river steamer to the Kowloon Missionary, where resides the fiendish piano. At the Mission, Henry Crun is auctioning the piano to 300 fiendish Chinese bidders. Seagoon bids ten pounds, besting the previous high bid of ying tong iddle-i po, and thus gains possession of the piano. Moriarty and Grytpype show up and we (but not Neddie) learn that they have planted a bomb in the piano so that it will explode when middle ‘A’ is played. En route to the bandit province of Yangtze, they find Bluebottle, who leads them to Kash-Mai-Chek’s secret Chinese NAAFI. Their arrival is greeted with much cheering. They set up the piano, but the Chinese pianist proves unable to play more than the first 11 notes of “The Little Fiddle”, always leaving off the 12th note, an ‘A’ that would explode the piano. Grytpype and Moriarty are seething in frustration, but Spriggs shows up and volunteers to sing another melody, since their fiendish pianist can’t play the piano. He asks for an ‘A’, and the piano explodes. Grytpype remarks, “damn clever, these Chinese.” The show ends with Bluebottle rejoicing because he wasn’t deaded this week
The Goon Show Preservation Society 