Starring Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers and Spike Milligan
Announcer: Wallace Greenslade
Music by Max Geldray and The Ray Ellington Quartet
The Orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott
Script: Spike Milligan
Producer: Peter Eton
Recorded: Sunday 17 October 1954
First Broadcast : Tuesday 19 October 1954 on the BBC Home Service
Newlyweds Nugent and Prunella Dirt are sleeping peacefully in their room in the Hotel Fred, Brighton. Prunella suddenly screams, as she discovers that her new husband is bald, something that Nugent denies, but is confirmed by the hotel manager. The Phantom Head Shaver had struck. The next day, Wallace Greenslade opens a small tobacco kiosk. Prunella sues Nugent for hiding from her the fact that he was bald. Hairy Seagoon, QC, is Nugent’s defence counsel. He receives a mysterious package containing human hair, with a note saying, “Nugent Dirt is innocent. This hair is his. It was I who balded him while he slept.” The note is signed “The Phantom Head Shaver”. Nugent has been found guilty, but just as Judge Schnorrer is about to sentence him to sixty years in the nick (because he refuses to pay the three bob fine), Seagoon introduces the package as evidence and court is adjourned pending laboratory analysis of the hair. Seagoon spends much time smoking pipes of tobacco from Greenslade’s kiosk. Another package of hair arrives from the Phantom. This time it’s Seagoon’s! In the months that follow, fifty men are balded as they slept. Brighton becomes a city of terror. At a meeting convened to discuss action, Henry Crun suggests that all men wear bald wigs as they sleep. Minnie Bannister counters that that will just cause the Phantom to attack the women, and besides, she’s already bald. Henry suggests that in that case she wears a hairy bald wig, and a big argument ensues. Grytpype calls from the Forensic Laboratory to inform Seagoon that the hair from the package was actually tobacco. Soon over 300 men had been balded by the Phantom. Greenslade’s tobacco stocks were quite high. The town is ringed with troops. Seagoon and Bluebottle ride out at night to capture the Phantom. There they find Eccles and Bloodnok on guard. Bloodnok claims to have been on watch and not slept, but he’s been half-balded. They hear a man stropping a razor in a nearby hut. Had Seagoon interrupted the Phantom in the act? Bluebottle, Eccles, and Seagoon go to investigate. Bluebottle searches the hut, doesn’t find the Phantom, but comes out balded. Eccles throws a stick of dynamite into the hut, but the fuse sputters out. The three of them charge into the hut just as the dynamite explodes. Bloodnok meets Greenslade outside the hut, and Greenslade gives him some tobacco. Bloodnok soon realises that the tobacco is his hair, and runs off in pursuit of Greenslade.
The Goon Show Preservation Society 