Fiendish Quiz – part 1

1

MORIARITUS: Will you take wine?
CAESAR: No, thanks, I think I’ll have a half of mild and a packet of crisps.

2

SEAGOON: Curse, he’s locked us in. Never mind, we’ll batter the door down. Where’s something with a blunt head?
ECCLES: Here y’are.
BLUEBOTTLE: Put me down, Eccles! Put me down. I shall charge the door and smash it down.

3

BLOODNOK: Bloodnok’s the name! Doctor Dennis Bloodnok, late of Harley Street, Twickenham. Now, then. I’ve cured the aristocrats of the plin and the farmers. Now let me read this testimonial, sir. “Dear Sir. Since taking your course of Thunderpills, I feel… I feel like a new man. Signed, Mrs Ivy Chandler”. Now then, who will be the first to try it, I say, who will be the first?

4

SEAGOON: We wandered the streets. A bitter wind blew up from the east and I cursed the fact I was wearing a kilt! One Christmas we were trying to make a living by diving for coins in the gutter from passing ships, when we found ourselves outside the London Palladium.

5

SEAGOON: (OFF) This is ridiculous. You can’t hang me!
BERNARD MILES: ‘E’s right, you know, ‘e hasn’t got a neck. Alright, then, alright, me dear! One hunderd years ‘ard labour.

6

HENRY CRUN: Come, dear little Minnie. I’ll take you home with me, Minnie. I’ll give you a hot bath, rub you down with the anti-vapour rub, put a plaster on your back, give your little feet a mustard bath and then put you to bed.
SEAGOON: Do you know this woman?
HENRY CRUN: Devilish man!

7

SEAGOON: Major, what did you do?
BLOODNOK: I’m not going to say, but they’d never allow it on television, that’s all.

8

SEAGOON: (WRITING) Did return home with the two gentlemen. Did not sport with Mrs. Fitzsimmons owing to the cold weather and the presence of the French Count and his manager who occupied my second-best bed.
GRYTPYPE: You… you heard that nice gentleman, Moriarty, put on your second-best pyjamas.

9

SEAGOON: Have no fear, I’m Queens Council Hairy Seagoon – defending council in the Nugent Dirt case. I have on me several documents of identification – including a letter of personal trust from the Commander of the British Army; a memo of recommendation from Mr. Anthony Eden, the Foreign Secretary; a special pass signed by Mr. Clement Atlee, the Leader of the Opposition; and last but not least, a permit to go where I please, signed by the Prime Minister the Right Honourable Sir Winston Spencer Churchill.
ECCLES: Friend or foe?
SEAGOON: Open the door!

10

STEINBACKER: Yes sir! All men entering this area are handed one of the following items: Iron bath tub with beater, football rattles, whistles, tin cans, dustbin lids, gas stoves filled with iron bolts, bagpipes, dinner gongs, kettle drums, thunder sheets and various other noise making gear, for the uses of.

11

SEAGOON: To think, this used to be Palm Court. I looked around the bar. They were dressed in cloth caps, corduroy trousers, rough lumberjacket shirts, bald heads and beards. And some of the men were dressed the same.

12

POLITICIAN: Err, who’s… who’s responsible for the drains at Hackney? And… may I ask why… they have not been taken up… in the last… century?
CAST: Hear hear
POLITICIAN 2: They… ah… they were… taken up… last December. POLITICIAN 1: Oh!
POLITICIAN 2: Ah!
SEAGOON: Hear, hear.
POLITICIAN 1: Isn’t it… isn’t it time… they… were taken up… again?
SEAGOON: Well done!
POLITICIAN 2: Impossible! They’ve not been put back again, yet.

13

SEAGOON: Hello, folks! Calling all, folks! Three weeks, folks, and still no fear of solving the crime. I think I’ll have a bath.
FX: BATHING SOUNDS
SEAGOON: Ah! There’s nothing like a bit of sandpaper for bringing up the old knees’ white! (LAUGHS)

14

FX: PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP.
SEAGOON: Yes?
GRYTPYPE: (DISTORT – OTHER END OF THE PHONE) Neddie? Grytpype-Thynne here. Have you made a decision about the certain English upright?
SEAGOON: Yes, I need the money, I’ll do the job. But where do I get that certain English upright Rosewood piano with brass candle-holders?

15

GREENSLADE: That music was designed to give listeners in the Lake District a mental picture of Max Geldray playing a nude mouth organ.

16

HENRY CRUN: They’re men, Min. They’re staying the night.
MINNIE: Ohhhh! What room we going to put them in, Crun?
HENRY CRUN: What about the power… the power room?

17

BLOODNOK: Don’t worry, lad. If the Germans every invade England, we war office chiefs have Plan X ready.
SEAGOON: Plan X? Who’s that?
BLOODNOK: Fast plane to Dublin then submarine to South America.
SEAGOON: Major, you’re not going to run away from the enemy?
BLOODNOK: Well, there’s no point in running away from anyone else, is there?

18

MINNIE: (SINGING) …greeeeeen door! Yatta bumdebum… greeeeeeen door! Bwarck bwarck. (MAKING CHICKEN NOISES) green door.
HENRY CRUN: Min, Min.
MINNIE: Oooooohhhhh!
HENRY CRUN: I can’t concentrate on the brown leather when you keep singing ‘The Green Door’, you know.
MINNIE: Aww! You gotta get modern, Henry.

19

BLOODNOK: Now for breakfast. Kippers? Toast? Oh, yes! Wait? What’s this coming through the window? Flatten me croaker and nosh me slappers! It’s a fork on a pole. And it’s trying to take me kipper off me plate! Ohhhhhh! I say! Who is that?
SEAGOON: I’m sorry, I was just fishing.
BLOODNOK: What?! I’ve a good mind to call the manager.

20

SEAGOON: How do you do?
ECCLES: I’m fine, fine. Yup, I’m fine, fine. Yup and you?
SEAGOON: I’m very well, thank you (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY)
ECCLES: Uh hum. Uh hum. Yup, yup. We’re all fine. Yup. How’s your old dad?
SEAGOON: My old dad?
ECCLES: Yup. How’s your old dad?