We’re coming to the end of the 75th anniversary year of the Goon Show. The first series, under the Crazy People title, had run from May to September 1951. It had been popular enough for the BBC to commission a second series, which would begin in the following January. Before that there was Christmas, and the Goons got to perform a traditional British pantomime, their interpretation of Cinderella. It was broadcast in a 45 minute slot on the Home Service at 8.15pm on Boxing Day.
This wasn’t the only panto the Goons were involved in that year. Harry Secombe was top of the bill at the Lyceum Theatre, Sheffield, playing Simple Simon in Jack and the Beanstalk.
There was another panto which featured Goons too, but it wasn’t one for the kiddies. Peter Sellers and the Stargazers were both on the bill for a Forces Broadcasting Service recording which was to be played to servicemen in various outposts overseas. It was a version of Cinderella too, but the ball was held in an Aldershot dance hall and Cinderella had had to bribe her way in. The cast also included Cyril Fletcher, Carole Carr and Derek Roy, while Harry Secombe made a brief appearance as a Fairy Godfather Mark II. The producer was Leslie Bridgmont, who assured the press that the show would not be suitable for broadcast on the BBC.
Famously, a real woman was called upon to play Cinderella in the Goons panto. Lizbeth Webb was a well known performer in those days, a soprano and actress who’d been performing since she was a teenager. She was a regular on stage, in musicals and in radio variety through the 1940s. She’d once been in the cast of a radio play with Peter Sellers, after which they’d become engaged in 1951. It didn’t last….
Graham Stark was in the cast too. He played Prince Charming and teamed up with Sellers for an Ugly Sisters double act. Harry Secombe took the part of Buttons, Spike played Dandini (as Eccles) and also the Queen. Michael Bentine’s Professor Pureheart was the Fairy Godfather, Baron Bloodnok was a prominent role for Peter and other roles were shared around.
The music came from Harry Secombe, Lizbeth Webb, The Stargazers, Max Geldray, The Ray Ellington Quartet, and the Augmented Dance Orchestra conducted by Stanley Black, who wrote the score. The script was by Spike, Larry Stephens and Jimmy Grafton. Andrew Timothy was the announcer and Dennis Main Wilson the producer.
The show opened with
Tim: The Goons present …
Harry: Cinderella!
Peter: Yes – Cinderella. Not a story of imagination and fantasy but fact! Fact based on actual documents taken from the files and dustbins of the FBI. A torrid drama, burning in its intensity with a cast of over eighty, except for Stanley Black who is only seventy-nine.
The cast go through introductions, ending with:
Graham Stark: Lizbeth Webb is –
Lizbeth: Cinderella.
Peter: Yes – Cinderella – and remember this is no ordinary entertainment. This is a drama with a message.
Graham (woman): Dear Fred. Have left your supper in the oven. Love Gladys.
The story starts with BBC coverage of a royal occasion. The commentator is based on the well know John Arlott.
Islott (Peter) Hello listeners … Jack Islott speaking. Well here we are outside the Palace, and any minute Dandini will be appearing on the balcony … and … yes! Here he comes now!
And I must say he’s looking really splendid wearing a shining silver tunic. He looks down and … yes, realising the gravity of the situation, he’s gone inside again for his shining silver trousers.
Dandini comes back out and tries to read out the proclamation. Every time he starts he’s drowned out by a fanfare, until a shot rings out.
Dandidi (Eccles) There is now a vacancy for a Royal Trumpeter. Ermn … yes. Proclamation. The King has decreed that tonight every iligible … oligible … aligobbobble spinster will attend a Royal Ball … this also applies to single women – in order that the Prince may choose a bride.
Invitations are sent out all over the world, to elegant Mayfair where Peter is a cockney market trader selling clobber, to Government offices where only snores are heard, to deepest Africa, and to the British Government’s Secret Atomic Laboratories, where everyone is speaking in Russian.
Tim Everyone was going to the ball … except …
We now meet the Ugly Sisters…
Hyacinth (Graham) Cinderella – where are you?
Cinderella Oh, dear – my stepsisters are looking for me again. More work, I suppose.
Marlene (Peter) There you are Cinders … idling away your time, as usual. What have you done today?
Cinders has washed, cleaned and mended, cooked the dinner, made the bed, stewed the prunes, peeled the spuds, watered the rubber, dibbered the dobber, nashered the nasher and zibbled the zobber…
Marlene You work too flippin’ hard! (the ugly sisters laugh)
Hyacinth You poor thing, Cinders – slaving away, washing and scrubbing, while we laze in bed in our black nighties! But tomorrow all that’s going to be changed? Tomorrow we’re going to wear pink nighties.
There’s knocking on the door and the sisters rush to open it.
Marlene (scream) … Ooooh – what a horrible face!
Dandini (Eccles) Funny, you took the words right out of my mouth.
Dandini is handing out tickets to the ball and asks how many single woman are in the house. The sisters say only two. Left behind again, Cinderella wonders how she’ll ever find a husband. Montague Mouse (Graham) appears to cheer her up.
Montague If you close your eyes you wouldn’t know if I were a mouse or a man. I might be a Prince in disguise – or somethin’ …… Only I’m not.
This leads to Lizbeth and the Stargazers singing Dream Lover.
After the song, Buttons (Harry) finds Cinders sitting on a stool.
Buttons I see you have tears in your eyes, come let me dry them.
Cinderella Why, have you a hanky?
Buttons No – but I have a blowlamp.
Cinderella Oh Buttons ’ you’re so funny – come rest your head on my knee – now hand me the chopper.
Buttons Oh no – don’t chop my bonce off, the rain’ll get in.
Cinderella Oh Buttons – do you always make people laugh like that?
Buttons Yes – last week at the theatre the audience were hysterical.
Cinderella That must have been wonderful.
Buttons No it wasn’t – I was playing Hamlet…… But don’t worry Cinders – tonight I will take you to the Bijou Palais-de-Dance and Cafeteria.
Cinderella I can see it all now. I’ll be the success of the ball.
Buttons But Cinders wait – you have nothing to wear.
Cinderella I can see it all now. I’ll be the success of the ball.
Saucy minx!
Bloodnok enters as Cinderella’s father. The nudity jokes continue, Bloodnok is wearing long underwear because he’s cold, you wouldn’t want to see him naked.
Buttons You know, Cinderella, I have a strong affection for you. And you’re so beautiful – you have your mother’s nose. And you have your own as well, makes quite a double feature.
Baron Bloodnok admits Cinderella can’t go to the ball because he’s broke. He sends her out to sell the morning paper, now that he’s finished reading it.
The servants in the house are Ellington the butler, who’s been mining for coal in next door’s cellar, and Abdul the bobbajee (or batman, Spike).
Abdul Here I am Sah. Long live Rule Britannia, send a gunboat. Hooray.
Bloodnok Abdul – that lunch today was terrible. I found a carburettor in my steak pie. What have you to say about that?
Abdul I should say it’s just another example of how the motor car is replacing the horse.
The household are getting ready to do battle as they’re under threat from the bailiffs arriving. One had already been in the morning and taken a bed away.
Ellington I don’t think we’re gonna eat no more! My wife was in it!
Bloodnok is getting weapons ready.
Bloodnok Abdul – hand me that hand grenade. As far as I remember I pull out the pin like this … and then I count up to five … or was it seven? It’s funny how little points like that are so difficult to …(large explosion)….I was right first time – it was five. Here Abdul – you take my shot gun and when I open the door – fire!
FX knocking on door, door opens, gunshot
Bloodnok Good shot Abdul. Here, wait a minute, now you’ve done it, haven’t you? You’ve ruined the whole pantomime.
Abdul Ooooo! Ooooo! Cold curry and a hessian loincloth for the rest of my days! Ooooo! What have I done?
Bloodnok You’ve shot the fairy godmother!
An interlude called The Baron & the Butler & the Bobbajee follows, a recitation partly in verse with music from the Ray Ellington Quartet, The cast describe the situation, beginning:
Peter As you know my dear friends
We have got to make ends
Try and meet – and there’s quite a large gap
We must work.
Ray Without pay!
Yes I hear what you say
It’s a question of loyalty old chap
We must fight shoulder to shoulder
The bailiffs and tradesmen lay seige
I’m counting on you two to help me
It’s a question of –
Spike Nobliaso obligo?
Peter That’s right.
A taxi arrives to take the ugly sisters to the ball.
Marlene How do I look Father?
Bloodnok You remind me of your dear mother, my girl, she had a beard too.
The car roars off, the sisters have to run after it. That leaves Cinderella and Buttons.
Cinderella Oh, Buttons – I wish I could go to the ball.
Buttons And so you shall, at this point your Fairy Godmother will appear..
Cinderella Oh, yes. (excited) That’s right! … There’s dreamy magical music … It swells up …and suddenly in a blinding flash of white light … there she is … slim white and beautiful … my Fairy Godmother! ……Oh! Who are you?
Pureheart (Michael) Your Fairy Godfather, Captain Osric Pureheart. Your Fairy Godmother was hit by a charge of buckshot.
Cinderella Now you’re going to wave your magic wand and make me a beautiful coach and eight white horses! Shall I go and get the pumpkins and the white mice?
Pureheart Certainly not! I shall make you a coach with the Bentino Super-Atomic Lurgi-Driven Zrutz-Pedal Isotopic Coach-Manufacturing Machine. Now to work. Where is my assistant fairy – Flowerdew?
Pureheart and his assistants, Flowerdew (Peter) and Spalding (Spike), set about the noisy and complex process of building a coach in the machine. It involves feeding in sheet iron, wood and nails, purging the dingley-sprocket, switching on the Frunge-Oscillator, reading the green gauge one-o-seven, separating the isotopes on the Sorbonne and finally throwing the Bollerweaver switch.
FX noise builds up to climax – suddenly dies into long hiss; pause, then marble dropped quietly in glass.
Pureheart Built to last for ever! Good, strong, indestructible British workmanship – guaranteed to –
FX A couple of small parts fall noisily off the coach, then more, finally the whole thing falls to pieces.
Pureheart rings for a taxi, then produces a gold and silver gown for Cinderella to wear at the ball.
Pureheart You’ll never know what I went through to get this, a shop window with a brick. Now go behind that screen and try it on.
Cinderella But that screen’s made of glass!
Buttons As gentlemen, we should turn our backs.
Cinderella All of you, turn your backs. That’s better. Now – off with this skirt … and the blouse … now shall I take this petticoat off.….Captain Pureheart! Put that mirror down!
The taxi arrives and knocks on the door. What a clever taxi.
Pureheart Now, Cinderella – don’t forget – you must be back before midnight.
Cinderella Why, what will happen if I’m not?
Pureheart Don’t you ever read the Sunday papers?
The taxi turns out to be a coach and six horses driven by Max Geldray. The horses look tired, he bought them from Lord Rosebery (a topical joke about a doping scandal in horse racing).
Pureheart produces a pair of glass slippers for Cinders to wear and they travel to the ball during a musical interlude which features the Stargazers singing Lover, accompanied by Max on harmonica and Ray on bongos.
At the ball, Prince Charming (Graham) is finding it all a ghastly bore. Dandini has been dancing, but didn’t know he should have taken a partner. He did dance with one very quiet girl, but she turned out to be a statue of Venus de Milo.
The prince’s mother wants a word with him about his lack of activity in the bride-choosing department. She turns out to be Minnie Bannister.
Minnie Ooo dear! Look – there’s a smasher over there. Why don’t you pop the question?
Prince Oh mother! That’s one person I could never marry, that’s father..
Guests are being announced by the well known Home Service announcer, Mr. Andrew Timothy. Baron Bloodnok realises the place is full of his creditors and asks for the usual announcement.
Tim (calls) Mr. Jack Jones! And his two lovely daughters – Hyacinth and Marlene! And this is Andrew Timothy committing perjury.
The ugly sisters make a beeline for the prince.
Prince Oh, hello Miss Bloodnok.
Marlene Ooo – you know who I am, Princey?
Prince Yes my dear. Do you remember – where you were a little girl – a little boy in a sailor suit used to chase you round the park? Well, that was my grandfather.
It’s time for Cinderella and Buttons to make their entrance. Buttons asks that Cinders is announced as Princess Crystal, and that he’s introduced as a famous film star.
Tim Princess Crystal and Mr. Donald Duck.
The prince approaches them.
Cinderella That is the Prince? But they said he was tall and handsome.
Buttons Well, why shouldn’t they – after all, this isn’t television.
The prince asks for the next dance with Cinderella, but Buttons insists she dances with him. This leads to another musical interlude as Harry sings Cinderella, Stay in My Arms. Then, the clock begins to chime midnight and Cinderella runs off.
Prince Where’s she gone? Why did that wonderful girl run away? Dandini – did you say something to her?
Dandini Ermmmmm … yeah, I said goodnight.
Prince Oh look – she dropped one of her glass slippers. With this I’ll find her within an hour.
Tim But sire, there are twenty million women in the kingdom!
Prince Very well then – within two hours!
Dandini Der – here! Proclamation! The Prince has decreed that every alogobboble spinster shall try on the glass slipper – and whosoever’s fit it foots shall be the bride of Prince Charming.
The proclamation was repeated all over the world. Days passed as the Prince impatiently awaited news. He’d put Ernie Sputmuscle (Peter) on the job with his bloodhound. The scent of the slipper had been enough to make the hound faint. Nevertheless, it led them to the top flat at a hundred-and-twelve Balaclava Villas, East Acton, but that was just where he lived.
The slipper was taken to every house in the land
Prince Tell me, fair creature – try on this tiny glass slipper. If it fits – you will be my bride … for I am a lonely man you see – I need a bride.
Ray Man – you need glasses!
At another door:
Prince I’m the Prince. Any twee little thing like to try the glass slipper?
Peter Don’t think it’d fit anybody ’ere, mate, this is the third Battalion Grenadier Guards.
Tim No stone was left unturned. The search went on until the streets and countryside were littered with overturned stones … the Andrew Timothy Fan Club will be pleased to hear that was an Andrew Timothy gag.
The search went on until the Prince and Dandini knocked at the door of Cinderella’s house.
Bloodnok Fi-i-ire!!
Dandini I’m not the bailiff. The Prince is here with the glass slipper.
Marlene and Hyacinth rush to try it on, and Dandini insists that Cinderella try it too. It fits none of them.
Prince Then who does it fit? Speak up, my bride-to-be! Who does it fit?
Pureheart Aaaaaah … me….
And so, Buttons and Cinderella are free to spend their lives together. The final musical number featured Harry, Lizbeth and the Stargazers singing Wunderbar
Tim Yes, strange though it may seem, Cinderella married Buttons, and they lived happily ever after …
FX continuous noise of breaking crockery while Buttons and Cinderella quarrel
Peter Ladies and gentlemen – this is Peter Sellers speaking on behalf of the Goons and the other members of the cast. We are too late to wish you the very merry Xmas that we would have liked to – but may we take this opportunity of wishing everybody everywhere a very very happy New Year. Good night.
The show ended with the orchestra playing a reprise of Lover.
Abridged and adapted from the original script
by Duncan Gray
